**** FIRST: I’m gradually transitioning over to SubStack, you can find me there at https://substack.com/@nicolevanwoudenberg537157?utm_source=user-menu *****

In part 1, I laid out how God’s purposes, his plans, his will is done even when they don’t meet our expectations, dreams, or plans.  We tend to hold on to the idea of “control” when in fact we don’t have control at all – all things are in God’s good hand.  We saw how God’s sovereignty is seen in all of creation from all time and in all places. And we saw how God is faithful to keep his promises to guide us, provide for us exactly what we need.

Now I’d like to share my own personal journey from “I want control” to “I surrender all.”

My husband and I got married in September 1995. We were blessed with 4 children from 1996 to 2004.  We had the usual growing pains in our marriage and in our parenting. There were job issues, financial challenges, and more.  I thrived in a controlled environment. I liked things planned, predictable, and purposeful. I enjoyed many activities from Bible study to playing piano in church to directing a choir to doing Usborne Books on the side, and time with friends. I was involved with my kids and their schooling, the church and extracurricular activities and more. I was in control!

But in 2001, around May, 3 months after our third child was born, my husband started experiencing 24/7 headaches. After a few weeks, he was scheduled for an MRI. The only thing that showed up was a blocked maxillary sinus cavity, which likely was formed when his nose was broken a decade prior that had not been set. Cartilage was growing into the cavity, and a filled sinus cavity can affect your entire head. Long story short, he ended up having 2 surgeries to re-break his nose, open the cavity, clear it out, and re set the nose. For a while – maybe 2 months – he was pain free. But then the headaches returned, and as of right now, 2026, he continues to experience continual headaches 24/7. The next decade and a half were filled with trying all kinds of therapies, both conventional and natural. Neurologists, chiropractors, headache specialists, different treatments from different practitioners, acupuncture, IV therapy, craniosacral therapy, supplements, massage, TENS…. you name it, he’s done it – to the tune of thousands of dollars. Nothing helped for any decent length of time.

Talk about loss of control!  He was taking many medications to deal with multiple issues. And even that – no control. Sometimes the pain would be reduced, other times not. We prayed for healing – all the time. Other people were and still are praying for him. But God has not met that expectation of ours. Yet, I believe that I still assumed that my life was in my control. Yes, I knew that God was sovereign and ordained all things, and that problems like accidents and cancer were in his control and not in ours. But day to day? I had it!

My husband returned to school in 2003 to get a BA degree in history and English to become a teacher. He did his PDP and after 5 years of education, he landed a full-time job at the Christian High School we both had attended back in the 80’s – early 90’s!  Prayers answered! Our kids were doing well, their schooling was top notch, and with our youngest in school, I began to work outside the home. Eventually, in 2014 I decided to go back to school to regain my RN license so I could become a labor and delivery nurse.  I had been a doula and childbirth educator since 2002, and this was a dream I was able to pursue!  All the doors opened up in a timely manner so I could go back – God was answering prayers! I finished up my schooling in 2016 – the year after my mother-in-law died, and the year that his family began a decade long state of dysfunction because of his dad’s poor life choices.  I began working as a surgical nurse and quickly got hired on the labor and delivery unit, which I started in January 2017. Things were falling into place! Life was good! I was in control.

But then things started to fall out of place….and out of my control. First, a “routine” MRI with a new neurologist showed that hubby had a pituitary adenoma (tumor) that was actively secreting growth hormone. This was the cause of unusual symptoms that he had developed in the previous 2 years that his doctor had no answers for. The endocrine doc he saw diagnosed him with Acromegaly. The tumor had to come out. In the meantime, I was trained in giving him a chemotherapy drug at home via injection that would help to control the amount of growth hormone being released.

Can you say stress? In the meantime, I was working in postpartum and had been sent to take the labor and delivery specialty course, which was so great. But stressful. I started working on my own in the summer of 2017 while all this was happening. (don’t forget the stress of my husband’s family situation). The number of appointments, and therapy, while waiting for a surgery date was stressful. I had been on an antidepressant, a low dose one, since 2012 for differing reasons, but I thought I was doing great and in control! With my doctor’s oversight, I weaned off the medication that summer. But by the end of 2017, everything caught up to me. I had a full mental breakdown and had to be taken off work. January 2018, my husband had brain surgery.

And that, my friends, was the breaking point for both of us. While the surgery was successful in removing the tumor, his headache pain increased and he now had the additional issue of light and sound sensitivity.  What once used to be a manageable 6/10 pain scale, was now a 9/10. A new normal would set in. No amount of therapy, medication, tests etc. could explain why. No one knew what to do. In 2018 I drove him to Vancouver’s Change Pain clinic where over the course of that year, he endured many, many nerve injections, therapies etc. to try and reduce the pain. Nothing worked. Nada. Nil. Zippo.  A lidocaine infusion even increased the pain.

Harder yet – because of the pain and light/sound sensitivities, my husband was unable to return to his work as a high school teacher. This was a huge loss – and completely outside of our control. So far, everything was out of our control!

In the meantime, I on was a couple medications, was referred to a private psychiatrist because my doctor couldn’t provide the care I needed, and I was seeing a work-appointed psychologist through a rehab program to get me ready to return to work. But because of all the stress, the crises that kept coming in one way shape or another, I just wasn’t getting better. Then in 2019, our oldest son started having 24/7 headaches as well, with light and sound sensitivity. He had sustained two back-to-back concussions a couple years prior, and then at the end of 2018 had a couple of car accidents that seemed to bring all his concussion symptoms back.  So, in 2019 I was driving 2, sometimes 3 times into Vancouver for both my husband and my son – who was going to the Advanced Concussion Clinic for therapy.

Meanwhile, 17 months after being taken off work, I was given the go-ahead to return to work. I started in the summer. The GRTW (graduated return to work program) is designed to slowly work your way back up to the hours you were working before. By October I had reached that point. I settled back into my almost full-time job as a labor and delivery nurse. But the stressors in our lives hadn’t gotten any better. In some ways, things were getting worse – especially with regards to our family and issues there. And slowly but surely, my anxiety at work grew, until February 2020 when I had another severe mental breakdown and was taken off work again. This time for good.

Two parents. Both unable to work. Both dealing with mental ill health. Trying to cope together. And trying to continue to do other normal life activities to the best of our ability. Our kids suffered. Just after my hubby’s surgery, we moved, and that also coincided with our oldest two leaving home. So, we went from 6 around the table to 4. That’s an adjustment in and of itself! In 2019, our son, who was also dealing with headaches, ended up moving back home because he couldn’t work or drive. In March 2020, our second daughter moved out. Things kept changing. And the two that were at home through much of 2018 bore the brunt of the pain we were carrying. And there are a lot of regrets there. And yet, everything that was happening to us was outside of our control.

In the following years, we dealt with one child coming out as trans, and another one who was making dangerous and questionable life choices which required needed intervention. Crisis after crisis.  We saw the last of our daughter at Christmas 2022, after which she cut off all contact with us, her siblings, and the entire extended family. We have not seen her since. Our trans child removed himself from the family because we couldn’t biblically affirm his choices. Again – no control!  God was teaching my stubborn heart to yield.

Some might ask, “How on earth did you cope? How are you still alive? How have you kept your faith?”

First, I’d say that I didn’t cope. I didn’t stay alive. I didn’t keep my faith. God did.

The Holy Spirit was present in the darkest, most painful days. The days when I fell to my knees in utter despair. The hours I couldn’t stop crying. The days when my eyes leaked multiple times. The sometimes unbearable pain that squeezed my heart till it broke. The horrible, intrusive thoughts of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up – to escape the burden of severe depression. And without the power of my Heavenly Father, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

God met every need I had. The problem wasn’t even unmet expectations. The problem was that my expectations didn’t line up with the heart attitude of doing God’s will – or more precisely – resting in his will. In the Gospel of John, Jesus teaches us that we are the branches, and he is the vine. Only by abiding in him – staying in him, and him in us, will we grow. He prunes the branches so they would bear more fruit. And indeed, that has been my experience. The pruning isn’t easy. It’s not painless. It’s not beautiful. But it’s necessary.

One thing I did at the start of my descent into darkness in 2017 was to never, ever allow myself to miss a church service. (unless I was sick). I made a vow. It was hard; it was hard to see people, it was hard to not give in to tears, it was hard to let people in, it was hard to sit in church without my husband, it was hard to sing. Many times I felt empty, dry, sometimes even apathetic. But I never stopped going. I had a community of fellow believers that encircled me, cared for me, prayed with and for me, loved me.

As I moved along, I found myself spending more time in devotions. I may have not had a job, I may not have had mental well-being, but I had time. And while I certainly didn’t use all my time wisely, I did have focused time for spiritual nourishment. I found I was unable to concentrate enough to pray in my head – and even aloud. But I could focus when I wrote. I kept 2 journals going from 2018 onwards – one was my daily journal, the other was my prayer journal. And sometimes my daily journal evolved into prayer. In anger, or grief, or frustration, or anxiety, or extreme suicidal ideation – I poured out my heart with pen and paper. I was receiving counseling over the years, Christian counseling – and that was a huge part of my healing. But I definitely credit God with all my healing.

Not only did I write out my prayers, but I also spent time in purposeful singing when I was driving alone. Even when I couldn’t sing, I had praise and worship music on. Sometimes it lifted my mood, sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes I’d sing through tears, other times I would feel more joy than grief.  I began listening to Christian podcasts. My desire to study God’s Word grew. My love for theology blossomed into a gift of thankfulness for being a child of God!

One thing that was hammered home to me through these years was the command to surrender. God was teaching me that HE had control, not me. God was pointing out to me that my health, my husband’s pain, the actions and choices of our kids and others, the loss of relationships, the loss of jobs, were not things I could control. Yes, of course, like I said in part 1, we have a responsibility to obey God and do what is good and right and true in line with his word. But the course of events, the events in my life and the lives of others, the events of the world around me – was, and still is, in his sovereign loving hands. My job was to surrender and trust. I had to lay down all the hurt and grief at his feet. I had to surrender my husband, my children, our job losses, our finances, our housing situations, our health…. everything to him. To trust that he is infinitely wiser, infinitely more knowledgeable, and infinitely more powerful than me. Not just surrender, but to believe that everything that has happened and is happening is a part of his good and perfect plan. That all things ARE working together for my good, for my family’s good, for his glory! Even, and especially when, everything looks so wrong, and backwards, and “how on earth can this be for my good?” confusion sets in. When doubt takes hold and you wonder where God is.

The hymn, “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus” holds a special place in my heart. We tend to look inwards. We navel gaze. We look to our inner strength, our own will and discipline, our own confidence. But when you are forced to your knees in desperate dependence on him, and God shows you that you have been living with wrong expectations instead of seeking his will, you can only look up and outside of yourself.  

               Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face,

               and the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

               in the light of his glory and grace.

What matters most is not whether there is healing. What matters most is not where your children end up. What matters most is not where you will live.  What matters most is your relationship with Jesus!  What matters most is your walk with him.

Today I have a lot of pain and grief and stress that is present every day. Some days more than others. The circumstances of life haven’t really changed. But I’ve surrendered and understood that I do not have control. I’ve learned to trust in the God of all creation. Let me clarify those statements. I am surrendering. I am learning. I am trusting. It’s a daily thing, sometimes an hourly thing.  But I can also say that today I have a lot of joy and peace and contentment.  The two states of grief and joy are not necessarily opposites that can never co-exist. They can co-exist when you surrender and trust and obey.

I haven’t arrived by any stretch of the imagination, and I apologize if I have come across that way. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I have grown. That the Holy Spirit has worked in me a stronger faith and love and trust in God. Being in his word daily, praying, trusting in his good and perfect will, singing, going to worship with his people, studying the bible with others, staying connected to the vine – Jesus – those will have positive benefits in your life no matter what you’re going through. 

There is no doubt in my mind that there will be times in the rest of my life where crises will test me. Where afflictions will burden me. I am sure that I will have periods of doubt and questions. Maybe even extended times. But —- God.

Grace and Peace!