Just for now, I’m going to break my purpose for blogging – that is, about theology, and write a personal one. Something that’s been on my heart for a very, very long time.

**** not everyone’s experience is like what you’ll read. It’s my experience, and many others whom I have spoken to ****

Experiencing joy and sorrow together is not an unusual, or even a new phenomenon.  It’s been present since the fall into sin some 6000 years ago.  Right in Genesis 3:15 – the protoevangelium – or the “first gospel” – there is sorrow and joy in the promise of a coming Redeemer through the seed of the Woman. 

Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one knows this well.  They have extreme sorrow at the death of a spouse, or parent, or child, or grandparent, but they also know the joy of having known their loved one.  Whether it be a day or 90 years.  There are memories that are cherished in one way or another.  It’s not uncommon to hear of bereaved families sitting together and sharing laughter right alongside tears as they speak of their loved one.  We can’t escape this reality…. not until Jesus returns!

It’s good to understand that there are many types of losses that we as humanity experience. 

Job loss.

Financial ruin.

Loss of possessions in a fire or flood.

Loss of health or mobility.

Broken relationships

Estrangement. 

Prodigal children

These are different than the death of a loved one.  For example, if you lose your job, you usually won’t feel joy in remembering that work!   Your focus becomes fixated on finding a new job so you can provide for yourself and/or family.   There is sorrow, sadness, perhaps anger at losing your job, but then there’s also the stress that comes with looking for a new job because bills must be paid and food needs to be put on the table.  

What’s important to remember here is that it isn’t right or fair to compare losses.  It’s wrong, and hurtful, to say that financial ruin is more of a loss than losing all your possessions in a house fire.  It’s also wrong, and hurtful to say that the loss of independent mobility is less bad than the loss of a loved one. 

Sorrow and joy.  It’s complicated.  There are so many variables, emotions, feelings, thoughts that are layer upon layer upon layer. Trials, burdens, hurts and more.   Whoever says grief and sorrow is simple needs to give their head a shake!!

SCRIPTURE

The Bible tells us two things in Galatians regarding burdens.  Paul writes both of them in Galatians 6, verse 2 and 5.

Verse 2:  Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (CSB)

The ESV says:  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

The word ‘carry’ or ‘bear’ in Greek is “bastazo” – to take up with the hands, to put on one’s self, to lift, take up, to bear what is burdensome.  

The word ‘burden’ in Greek is “baros” –  which connotes heaviness, weight, burden, trouble; some scholars suggest the word means something unreasonable.

So we are to carry, to help someone with the weight and heaviness of troubles they may be carrying.  This could be the weight of the trials, pain, discouragement of life, or the weight of sin.  But in helping our brothers and sisters bear their burdens, we are fulfilling the law of Christ to love our neighbour as ourselves.  

Then, just a few short verses later, Paul tells us:

Verse 5: For each person will have to carry his own load. (CSB)

ESV says:  For each will have to bear his own load. 

This seems like an oxymoron.  Share it AND bear it alone?  The word ‘load’ in Greek is “phortion”, which actually refers to the load of freight, an invoice of said freight, or a task or service.  Metaphorically, it refers to burdensome rites, or as the Blue Letter Bible says: “of the obligations Christ lays upon his followers, and styles a “burden” by way of the contrast to the precepts of the Pharisees, the observance of which was most oppressive.”  Elsewhere “phortion” refers to a soldier’s pack – the standard cargo borne by each person. 

• The same word is used in Matt 11:30 “For my yoke is easy, and my burden (phortion) is light”
• And in Acts 27:10 – “Sirs, I perceive the voyage will be with injury ad much loss, not only of the cargo (phortion) and the ship, but also of our lives.”

These burdens or loads are seen as reasonable loads, loads that an individual is capable of carrying – but also – a load that is not transferable. 

All this to say: the difference between “baros” and “phortion” is that the latter refers simply to something to be carried as a personal responsibility, while the former refers to heavy weight – a burden that is burdensome, unreasonably heavy.  In verse 5, the word “own” indicates personal responsibility.   

Verse 2, calling us to bear the burdens of others, means sympathizing or empathizing with them in their troubles.  Verse 5 calls us to bear our own loads- or moral burdens.  We have the responsibility to answer directly to God and cannot be shifted to another. 

As Christians we are called to carry each other’s burdens.   But how?  How do we do that? 

EXPERIENCE

As a mother experiencing deep emotional pain over 2 prodigal children, I can tell you that the waves of grief and the times of joy can be separate or intertwined.  Alone or together.  Expected and unexpected. Reasonable or even unreasonable.    The grief I feel over my children is heavy.  It’s painful.  It’s hard. There are days when all I want to do is curl up under a blanket and go to sleep all day. And night. And the next day too.  There are days when the feeling of sadness is so heavy, it feels like a weight on my back.  There are days I weep in despair, or am angry and confused, or frustrated and I want to have a temper tantrum. 

The joy I feel comes from completely opposite things.  Right now, there’s little to no joy I feel regarding what I’ve lost.  Looking back over the years of raising them fills me with sadness.   And the haunting feelings of guilt.  But the joy I feel also comes in spurts and waves.  Joy in the other kids who are walking in the ways of the Lord, and my grandson – he’s definitely a shining light!  His grin is big.  😊 Joy in reading God’s Word- in learning through intentional study and taking courses online.  Joy in the simple times I spend with my love – when we’re on a walk together, just chatting -feeling so thankful to be loved so well.  Joy spending time away in Whistler.  😊 Joy when meeting with my church family at Refuge Church for worship.  Joy in singing.  Joy in playing piano. 

But here’s the thing I want readers to know.

When someone is enduring grief and sadness, is feeling down and weary, or is angry or any other of a myriad of emotions – telling them to look at all their blessings is NOT HELPFUL.   You can bet your booties that they are already very aware of those blessings.  They know what brings joy.  As Christians we know where our comfort is, where our joy is.  We know that in Christ, we have all the benefits of Christ himself.  We know that our God is a steadfast, loving, ever near God.  But in that moment, they don’t need you to point that out. 

Many people are uncomfortable with grief and sadness.  Which is understandable IF they’ve not been through a hard and difficult loss.  There’s a sense that they need to fix things, to cheer you up.  “Look at all the beautiful things in your life!  Look at what God HAS given you!  Don’t focus on the hard stuff.  Here – have a non-fat, extra hot, chocolate macadamia latte!”  😊  Okay, the last one is good.

The Bible provides us with examples of good comfort and bad comfort. 

BAD COMFORT

I think most of us would immediately think of Job’s “friends”.  They actually started out well.  They sat “shiva” with him.  For seven days, they sat with him and mourned his losses with him.  But then they opened their mouths.  And what did Job call them? 

Job 16:2  “I have heard many such things; miserable comforters are you all.  Shall windy words have an end?  Or what provokes you that you answer? I also could speak as you do, if you were in my place; I could join words together against you and shake my head at you.”

They were talking too much.  And accusing him.  Ya, not cool boys.  You need a lesson in walking with the grieving!!

Remember the story of David when God told him that his son with Bathsheba was going to die? Nathan had just confronted David with his sin of adultery and murder.  David confesses that he has sinned against the Lord.  The Lord forgives David – and tells him that he won’t die.  “Nevertheless because by this deed you have utterly scorned the LORD, the child who is born to you shall die.” 2 Samuel 12:14

David’s response was to plead with God. He fasted and refused to eat.  His people tried to cheer him up – they tried to get him to eat, to get up, to live.   But that’s not what David needed in his grief.  And when David’s son died, his people were afraid to tell him because they figured that he’d do something even more drastic.  “He may do himself some harm.” (vs 18).   David’s response when he learned of the boy’s death was to rise up, wash himself, eat and worship the Lord.   But his people did not meet him in his grief. 

Then there’s David’s reaction after his Absalom dies.  This boy, this adult son, hated his father.  Oh, I know what that feels like, David!   He wanted to kick David off the throne and take it for himself.  He was conniving.  He was an enemy of David who sought to take his life.  When Absalom died, the messenger was excited, “May the enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up against you for evil be like that young man.”   Yes!  We think, David will be relieved and happy to know his throne is still his.  But instead, he grieved.  He grieved deeply. “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18: 31-33)  In the next chapter, Joab, his commander reprimands him.   Joab does not know how to sit “shiva”!

GOOD COMFORT

The Bible also provides us with a look at what good comfort looks like.  My favourite example is of Jesus in Gethsemane.  He knows his time has come.  And he is deeply troubled.  In agony.  He takes Peter, James and John with him deeper into the olive grove of Gethsemane.  What does Jesus want?  He wants them to sit with him – and pray for him, and themselves.  A man is facing execution.  And more.  Company is good.  Unfortunately, the disciples didn’t quite get it.  (big surprise!)  But they could have provided Jesus with good comfort. 

Or think of Jesus when confronted with the death and burial of his dear friend Lazarus.  Mary and Martha are grieving.  Weeping.  They’re hurt that Jesus didn’t get there in time to heal their brother. And what does Jesus do at the tomb?  The shortest verse in the bible – 2 words:  Jesus wept.  He felt their grief.  He knew the curse of death.  He didn’t run around trying to make them feel better with platitudes.  He wept with them. (and then he did what only Jesus can do, he raised Lazarus from the dead and gave him back to Mary and Martha!).

One more example – this time from the life of David.  1 Samuel 20.  Jonathan, the son of King Saul, was going to find out if indeed his father was really trying to kill David.  Jonathan swears loyalty to David instead of to his father.  And when it’s clear that Saul is in a murderous rage, Jonathan tells David that his life is in danger and David needs to flee.   David’s response was to weep.  And Jonathan’s response wasn’t “It’s going to be okay chap!  Just take a short holiday and when dad calms down I’ll let you know.” Jonathan weeps with him. Hugs him.  He feels the pain.  He sympathizes with what David is going through.  He doesn’t offer advice on how David needs to handle his emotions.

GOD’s COMFORT

Our greatest example of being a comforter is God Himself.  Here’s just a few texts.

Psalm 34:18       The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 23: 4 (all of Psalm 23 actually!) 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 147: 3      He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Deut 31:8            It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Isaiah 41:10       Fear not, for I am with you; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

BIBLICAL COMFORT

Paul gives us THE instructions on comfort.  Everyone will go through some trial where you are in need of comfort.   Comfort from God, and from others.    And when we’ve been comforted, we are able to share that comfort with others.

2 Corinthians 1: 3,4

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Paul carries on through verse 11 explaining how he and his companions have shared in Christ’s sufferings and also in being comforted in Christ.  They’ve been through many afflictions.  If you know Paul’s story, you know that he’s been beaten, ship wrecked, imprisoned, stoned….see 2 Corinthians 11:23-28.  He shares how they were so burdened (the Greek word “baros” (unreasonable burden), that they even despaired of life.  And where did they look?  Their hope was in Christ! 

The word comfort in Greek is “paraklesis”, and it appears 10 times in verses 3-7!  It is translated as comfort but can also mean consolation as well.  Or solace.   The two root words are “para” which means
“beside” and “kaleo” which means to call.    God is our loving comforter – He stands by our side to minister the soothing balm we need so we can give that to others. 

OKAY, NOW WHAT?

Unequivocally, what a grieving person wants and needs is a simple acknowledgment.  Tell her that you hear her.  Tell him you are grieving with him.  Listen to them.  Give her a hug.  Oh – hugs go a long way in making you feel seen.  Tell him that you’re praying for him and his family.  Let her know that you are in your thoughts.  Let her know that you are there for her.  BE THERE as Christ is for us!

If there’s a conversation, let them talk.  Listen.  Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for.  And do not feel you need to come up with the right words, or the best Bible verse.  Sometimes it’s best to say nothing.  If you feel it’s appropriate, respond with encouragement – Proverbs 16: 24 “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”  Or Proverbs 11:25  “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.”

After many years in counseling (since 2018 on a regular basis!), I know now how important it is to be able to sit in your grief.  To give voice to your pain.  To pay attention to what your body is feeling and telling you.  Avoiding it, covering it up with platitudes, stuffing it down so you don’t feel it is unhealthy – and can even be harmful.   If you are suffering, please hear me say that’s it’s okay to feel the pain. The hurt.  The grief that threatens to swallow you up.  It’s not wrong.  It’s not sinful.  Just think of all the Psalms where David experiences grief and feelings of abandonment and cries out to the Lord!  Ah, there’s the thing.  Cry out to God.  Voice your thoughts. Your fears.  Your hurts.  Your grievances.  Do you feel He’s not near?  Tell Him!  Do you feel things are unfair?  Tell Him!  Let God know.   

Hear me again, dear friends.  Pleas to look at the bright side, attempts to cheer someone up, trying to fix their problem is not what the sufferer needs.  You don’t need to rehearse the exact right words.  A hug. “I’m so sorry”.  “I’m here to listen.”

When others are hurting or going through trials, we must apply the Golden Rule. (Matt 7:12)

From experience, people want to help.  We’re a practical sort, us Christians.  We want to DO something.  Which isn’t bad at all.  What to do?

1. Provide a meal, or a gift card for take out.
2. Fresh flowers (unless they have allergies!)
3. A care basket with a nice book, a journal, hand lotion
4. If you’re coming for a visit, bring them a coffee and a treat

(serving in a practical way – Matt 20:28; John 13:5-9, giving a gift – 2 Cor 9:7, spending time with someone – Rom 12: 9-13)

5. Send a card.

6. Give a hug!   Mark 10: 14-16

Notice how  “Let me know if you need anything” isn’t included? 

When someone is in the thick of grief, is lost in depression, is dealing with acute levels of stress, cognitive function is not at its best.  They may feel like they’re in a fog.  For me, I couldn’t make decisions.  I felt paralyzed by just choosing where to go for dinner out.  If it’s truly in your heart to do something – and it should be if you say, “let me know if you need anything” – offer something.  “I’d like to bring you a meal – what night works?”  “I left a package for you on your porch.”  Text is wonderful. 

We humans are a funny breed.  Here’s the irony of “Let me know if….”

1. When we’re the ones who are offering to help, it’s because we want to. You know that if they texted you a day later for _________, you’ll do it.
2. But when you’re the one in the vulnerable, painful spot, when someone says that to you, what do you think? 

I don’t want to bother them.

Maybe they’re not serious.

I don’t want to be a burden.

I don’t want to be needy.

I don’t need help.

                And yet……

• Wanting to do something etc, if genuine, is an act of mercy – it’s ministry, it’s being the hands and feet of Jesus in motion.  Not giving them the opportunity to do something is to say no the blessing of Jesus through them.

So……

• Tell them what you’d like to do.  Offer it.  And as gently as possible, tell them it means a lot for you to help. 

AN IMPORTANT REMINDER

Times of sorrow do not mean that you don’t remember the joys, but they aren’t what’s going to counterbalance the grief at that moment. 

Times of joy can overcome sorrows, but that doesn’t mean the sorrows don’t exist.  “It can’t be that bad” is a terrible thing to think.  Like people with illness who are seen doing something they love and are being happy.  Or someone who is deeply grieved happens to be enjoying time with friends.  Are only perfectly healthy and happy people “allowed” to enjoy things?  Should we be in pain or mourning at all times just to confirm we’re actually grieving/sad/sick? 

When someone is walking a hard, hard road, please don’t ignore them because you don’t know what to say.  Silence from family and friends is more hurtful. If someone you know is grieving, no matter the reason, check in on them once in a while.  Let them know that you haven’t forgotten them!  That you’re praying for them – ask them what specifically you can pray about.  If you’re in person, and they agree, pray with or for them. 

Going through a loss of any kind is a lonely road.  We need each other “to walk the mile and bear the load” – this is our calling as brothers and sisters in Christ.